you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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