my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
