I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
