worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
