Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
