i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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