I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize