i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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