My balls are so social today.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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