So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
