I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
