i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
