Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
