i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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