Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
