I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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