im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
