I haven't been this sober since birth.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize