I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
