He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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