Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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