please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
