Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize