Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
