how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
