Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Randomize
