I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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