What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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