this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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