i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
