I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize