Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
