you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize