Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
