My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
