so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
