I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
