He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
im drinking this country out of the recession.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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