i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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