Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
