That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
