i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
