Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i love accidental penises.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize