I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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