Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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