If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
