i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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