It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
