The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
