I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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