I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
