last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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