I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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