In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
